Well I did it, I officially sabotaged my relationship and now I’m able to move on with my life.
Two nights ago I completely lashed out at him and I haven’t heard from him since. I sent him a nice text before going to bed last night and when I woke up I turned to see the time on my phone and noticed an absent text message. But my heart wasn’t broken because that’s what I expected. My heart is not broken because I get to move on. There were so many interesting thoughts that ran through my mind as I laid in bed. I had to write them down.
I remembered the time before he left that I told him that I feared a long distance relationship only because I thought I wouldn’t be able to mentally handle it and that I didn’t want to feel myself get crazy about the relationship. He told me that I shouldn’t worry and that he would never let me sabotage the relationship. I guess we don’t really mean what we say. But I am forgiving to myself and to others for our incapabilities of being able to live by our words.
It’s OK that we can’t always live by our words. We can only live by our every day.
And these thoughts led me to thinking about how we all wear a mask on the surface of how we want to portray ourselves but it most of time doesn’t reflect a large percentage of who we are on the inside. I thought about the beginning of my relationship and how his mask showed that he would fight to the death for me but in time he would only fight until we had a conversation that rubbed him the wrong way and he ran for the hills – of Western Australia. And my mask showed that I was a strong and independent woman that would never rely on anyone for my own happiness but in time crumbled because I realized that I used excessive amounts of time, kind words and affection to fill voids within me that I was too blind and unable to fill myself. I’m fascinated by the masks we wear. They are so interesting from the outside but what’s even more fascinating is how it gets so transpired when you reach deep down towards the inside and into the heart.
Last night I laid in the dark with my computer resting on my lap with my knees propped up and I stared blankly at the screen wondering what I could look at that would cheer me up before I entered the pleasant place of my own dreams. And the only thing that came to mind was to look at the travel adventures on my friend Cameron’s Instagram. The consistency and the thought provoking captions that accompanied each picture completely cheered me up. He’s enlightening and reminds me that there’s so much to discover within this life. I remembered some of the pictures this morning as I laid in bed and felt a rush of appreciation for someone like him in this world to be able to give such light to people that he doesn’t know are watching.
In realizing that even someone like Cameron, who is so inspiring and captivating with every word he shares, he too has a mask. It’s not that we are liars and it’s not that we are ashamed of who we are and what we can offer others, that people are so multifaceted that it’s impossible to be everything all at once. So why not shine through our mask in saying that we are a hero who will fight to the death for what we believe in, that we are strong and can endure the most difficult of emotions no matter what and that no matter how difficult life becomes we will always give inspiration to others living an ideal life of peace from anguish.
We will never be perfect and our masks will always be somewhat of a lie. And this is OK because we can wear it as proof of what we aspire to become.
I don’t fault myself for letting my emotions take over sometimes. When this happens it only gets me closer to understanding myself better. And I love that. I don’t fault him for not carrying me over the finish line. He is only a human just like us all and we have to take care of ourselves before we can be a highlight for someone else. And as for the feelings of being relieved and getting to move on – I wonder if that’s just what I wanted all along. I think I knew deep down that I still have a life needing to be lived for myself and that I’m not ready to take on another soul yet. The universe has an interesting way of leading us to down our path. I do believe that we must trust it. And when we do it is then that we can see past our own mask and into the heart of others.