OUR DARKNESS BEFORE LIGHT
Updated: Oct 13, 2019
I woke up to the sound of the rain falling and the darkness of the night as the sun had not made its' way above the horizon. One more hour and I would be able to witness the intent of light cracking through the rain clouds above. Wasting no time, I put on my shoes and walked to my car knowing that the park that over looks the harbor would be ideal for witnessing the morning wake. Driving through fog I could see the dark sky begin to emit a deep electric blue from behind the grey clouds and by the time I had made it to the harbor the streaks of pink and orange began to travel across the sky. I walked to the edge of the park where the sidewalk no longer laid and the dirt surrounding the deep red bougainvilleas crunched underneath my feet from the wetness of the rain. I was right. It was beautiful standing there as a lone witness with only light rain drops hitting the leaves of the plants and earth surrounding.
Within the beauty of the ocean, the clouds and the sunrise, I was reminded of my solitude. I was reminded of my loneliness. I was reminded of the human purpose and I was reminded of hope.
If there is one way I can describe how I'm seeing my life right now it's this: I've been walking on a busy street with crowds of people walking past me and with me all at the same speed. Now speed everyone around me up to a speed five times as fast and slow me down twice as slow. I feel that it's a circus around me. A concrete jungle of what we've been told is civilization. I just can't keep up. And I feel ready to admit to myself that I'm ok with this. Society is interesting, people are entertaining to learn, money is helpful to have but I'm ready to ask what else is on the menu in this world? What else is there to see and feel during this life? If I wasn't so paralyzed by fear perhaps I'd be able to find out. If I didn't feel so trapped underneath the idea of money perhaps I could let myself fly. Perhaps if I didn't desire to be loved so badly by others I could learn to love and trust myself.
For what I've found the human purpose to be is to survive.
I believe our purpose does not expand beyond the necessity of survival. To take care of our health, eat, breathe, sleep, drink water and escape death is the sole purpose of our life. Some have argued that procreation is the purpose and I can't disagree however it is true that procreation is not a purpose for everyone. From multiple conversations with people about this, I have found that initially people are uncomfortable thinking that the only purpose to life is survival. People want there to be something more grand. But I argue for myself that my understanding of the purpose of life is the most optimistic realization possible. If to survive is the only purpose to life then that means we have a lot of time for development. We have a lot of time for ourselves. This ultimately means that we get to decide our purpose.
And to find that purpose outside of survival is easy because all we have to ask ourselves is - What makes us come alive?
I'm finding that the older I get the less I care about what kind of work I do to earn money. When I was in my early twenties I was so fixated on the idea of whom I would become solely within the idea of my career. But I'm seeing that the purpose of life I've chosen for myself extends far beyond the method to my means. My work does have importance as it is a prominent way in which I learn but now that I'm understanding my purpose more thoroughly I know that what I aspire to accomplish comes within the forms of gaining knowledge, constantly growing my curiosity, continually developing strong and meaningful relationships with people, creative expression and finding peace within myself. Outside of survival there lies my greater purpose.
Once the sun travelled above the clouds and people began walking on the nearby path I felt it was time to leave the park. The rain had stopped and puddles were left on the grass and concrete path remnants of the beauty that took place before the sun had woke. The intent of light now beaming above and through the clouds lite the path to walk. I made note that the sunlight is the purpose to the day and if there is anything that I can embrace most let it be my darkness before the light.