LITTLE METAL TAB
Two small buds one for each ear. The silence of midnight was interrupted privately by the sound of Stromae. I sparked a fire with my thumb by flicking down on the metal. The rain fell hard so I sheltered to protect what was beginning to smoke with my hand just as the trees that lined my path protected me and I began to walk. On nights when I can't calm my endless thoughts I search to distract them with a more interesting landscape outside from my restless sheets. I thought, "How can I ease these thoughts?" I don't know, but in the darkest of night I take a breath and my brain tells me that I have all the time in the world.
Sometimes I wonder if my soul will ever come to rest. Wondering further - do I truly want it to?
What does it mean to feel at ease? To feel at ease is different than accepting complacency, isn't it? To feel at ease is to have absence of difficulty and effort. And to be complacent is the feeling of uncritical satisfaction for oneself. But neither of these terms necessarily need to be tied to my personal definition of restful soul.
I always used to be so confused when I would hear people say that all they want to be in life is happy.
I mean I understand that happiness is a nice emotion to feel but I also think that there is so much more to life than just happiness. Or rather, happiness is subjective to the individual. So I suppose in a way, when I hear people answer the question, "What do you want to be within your life?" with the answer, "I want to be happy." They just seemed to find a way to positively negate answering the question. Why do a lot of people not answer this question? Why can't I answer the question myself? "How will your soul feel at ease?" and "Do you even want that any way?"
Maybe the answer is too scary to find. We have the potential of answering these questions but do we genuinely want to? I know I do. The thing is.. answering this question takes time and it takes knowing oneself. But walking in the rain I rest my thumb on the little metal tab to light my fire and realize I still have time.