One of my very first podcasts was called Crumbs. I remember writing it when I was heartbroken and wanted to bring to life the vision I had been dreaming for myself leading up to the breakup I had earlier in the year.
In the podcast, I share one of my favorite fantasies of living in New York with someone whom I love and, for once, a man who genuinely loves me back. The title Crumbs relates to the fantasy of us sharing a quiet, rainy morning together in our warm New York apartment eating toast, drinking coffee and reading. It's a fantasy that I do hope to live in my reality someday.
This morning I sat on my bed alone in my studio apartment with the sun shining on a beautiful California winter morning eating toast, drinking coffee and reading. I couldn't have been happier. As I drank the last drop of my coffee I turned the last page of my book and then thought about how genuinely happy I am sitting here with only myself to love and entertain. Now realizing I needed to finish the last of my trinity, I scooped the last pad of butter onto the last bite of toast. The creaminess and saltiness blended together with utter perfection as the crunch from my toast satisfied all other senses. As I sat on my bed with only the sounds of my crunching, I had a thought that I had scooped a lot of butter onto the last piece of my toast. If my 'Crumbs' man was around that would have been embarrassing for him to see. But... here's the brilliant part of it all.... 'Crumbs' guy isn't here. I'm living everyday, every bite, every decision from this point on in my life for no one other than myself.
Yesterday I ran a few errands before having dinner at my cousins house. It was, yet again, another beautiful California winter day and I found myself walking around one of my favorite outdoor malls with open terrace views of the sparkling Pacific Ocean. Watching children play on the grass near the koi fish pond underneath the sunshine with their new toys from Christmas, I enjoyed every moment I had walking through the mall by myself. And just as the children played laughing on the grass so did my solitude and happiness. For the first time in my life I'm witnessing the peace radiate from within my heart and bones and soul from this new friendship. So this is what it feels like to love yourself.
Before leaving the mall I needed to make one stop at the grocery store to pick up some drinks and an appetizer to bring to my cousins house later for dinner. Walking along the brick laid path on the out skirts of the mall I saw a hair salon. I looked at the time on my phone and thought,
"Hmm, I wonder if I have time to cut my bangs really fast."
But being a person who hasn't worn bangs since my youth I hesitated and realized that my good mood is perhaps leading me to bad and impulsive decisions. This surely isn't a good idea, I will regret this immediately. But disregarding my voice of reason I walked into the salon any way.
"Here's what we'll do..." I told myself. "If they take me immediately, I'll do it. If not, I won't get bangs."
Yep, they could take me. Wait, cutting bangs on my head is a HUGE lifestyle change. I don't know if many people realize this. They're hard to style, they get in the way, they're not as great as they look on Pinterest... oh.. and the most important thing of all... I don't look good in bangs! But the only thing that convinced me to continue following the hairstylist to the little black chair in the back of the salon was the idea of change. The idea of starting this new year not afraid of change. What happens when we lean into ideas that make us uncomfortable? There's only one way to answer that... there's only one way of ever knowing. I choose to learn life by doing. The idea of living in complete content within myself. My final thought sitting in the chair as the stylist pulled the black cape over the front of my shoulders,
"I'm living my life for me and no one else from this point on."
But one final fearful thought squeaked through my mind, "Wait, but men don't find bangs attractive!"
The only words that came out of my mouth immediately following was, "Cut them thick."
What does it feel like to truly love ourselves? We can only know this if we become friends with our solitude first. Our loneliness is only a cry for the love of oneself. To know deep in our heart that the most important relationship we'll ever have during our lifetime until death do we part is the relationship that we have with ourself. And until the day comes when I decide that my journey can be more enriched with someone else along for the ride, I'm happy enjoying mornings in solitude with my coffee, my crumbs and my book - for no one other than myself.