I awoke from a nightmare where someone came into my room and slowly crawled into bed with me.
In my dream, my room was exactly how I remembered it being as I fell asleep the night before which made my nightmare feel like it was real life. It felt like someone was really slinking into my bed and under my sheets. In real life, I jumped up startled by the stranger which bless-fully awoke me from my bad dream. I laid in the dark feeling relieved that I was still alone. I rolled myself up to grab my phone that laid at the foot of my bed and saw that the time was only 3am - too early to get up for work so I laid there thinking. This isn't surprising that I had such a gross nightmare because I suffered with an emotional mind the day before. Anxiety and nightmares are one of the most prominent indicators for when depression creeps into my bloodstream. Within the blackness of the night and the darkness of my thoughts I decided to awaken myself from my suffering. I never thought I was the type of person to struggle with depression but I'm sure that form of denial comes from the stigma we, as people, attach to the disorder. In society, we call it a disorder which immediately categorizes depression in our brains as a problem - an abnormality. But it's not. Depression is just a call for a need that our body and mind is not getting. That's all it is. So I think to myself - what is it that I'm not getting? I'm awake and I'm going to figure it out. The day before my creepy nightmare I had a difficult day at work where a problem occurred and it took a lot of time and resources to solve. The problem was caused by everyone involved within the process - our trade messed up, our installer messed up and I messed up. Everyone messed up and now everyone was fixing the problem. As the day came to an end it was mentioned that it was my fault but it wasn't entirely. When I tried to explain why I didn't feel it necessary for me to absorb the blame I wasn't heard. Frustrated I sat at my desk with the feeling of fire in my heart and I was pissed. For some reason, at that time, I felt it necessary to think about my mom. She has been battling cancer and I pray every day that she is going to survive this horrible disease and that she can still live for a long time with us. But what will I do in these situations without her? Tears began falling down my face uncontrollably. My co-worker sitting right next to me saw and immediately came over to console me. She asked me over and over, "What's wrong?" as she hugged me with love and all I could say out loud was, "I don't want to do this anymore." There was something looming inside of me telling me that I didn't want to do life anymore. Wait, because of something as minuscule as to what happened? No, not at all. It's something much bigger. I don't know how many times in my life I've thought, "I don't want to do this anymore." Implying this as life.
I've always known this as one of the darkest places my brain takes me but it's so normal to me that I easily ignore it.
When I started saying it out loud for the first time in front of someone it was brought to light the alarm. We should never make ourselves feel like this is OK nor should we allow others' to make us feel this way. How do I stop these thoughts from creeping in when something doesn't go right? Just like fear, we need to embrace depressive thoughts and engage with them. Depression isn't a bad thing it's actually a really helpful tool to show us that there's something that needs attention either within our chemical makeup or possibly just something that we're missing within our lives. There's something huge that I'm missing from my life and I know that's where my depression is sneaking in like a hole in the window sill that's allowing cold air to sneak in when all we want is for the room to be warm. It's always been a huge challenge within my life to have my voice heard. It's felt nearly impossible, it seems, to feel respect from people when I have something to say. I've always felt like this. Perhaps this is why I write words and music. I honestly don't have the answer for myself how I can quick fix these feelings, my darkness and my situation. I don't have the quick fix answer because there is no quick fix answer. There's only just an answer but that takes time. When I was lying in bed this morning/night/too-early-to-get-up-and-go-to-work, I thought about how ashamed I was for crying at work even though no one saw except for my co-worker sitting right next to me. And yet, a little voice in my head started telling me 'men don't cry at work that's why they have higher pay and better jobs and more respect.' All I could say back was a reminder that they also have mid-life crises. I fired that voice from my head right after that back and forth. Although my internal conversation was a massive generalization filled with fallacy - it got me thinking about the shame we put on people regarding our emotions. Emotions are so important to us. How we feel is so important.
When our feelings aren't cared for that's a really dangerous thing. It's our job to speak up for ourselves - we owe it to ourselves and to others needing to hear the truth.
After work, I spent time with my co-worker and she listened to me explain why I feel the way I feel. She listened to my reasoning as to not wanting to continue with life. She listened to me explain that I'm used to having these thoughts. She listened to me talk about how stupid I think life and situations can be at times and how I sometimes crumble apart from idiocracy and human pettiness. She listened and then she helped me find a professional. There isn't a quick fix but there's always help. By the time I got into bed that night I thought about my weakness. I thought, "How could I have broken down at such a minuscule thing today?" I tell myself, "Just have grit. Suck it up." But looking depression in the face is grit. That is strength. That is so difficult. I'm too curious I have to find the answer. I think about how I still have my mom to call. I think about how my little niece runs to hug me every time we see each other. I think about the friends I have who take the time to listen. I think about the mind that I have and my intelligence. I'm thankful for it all. I have love and I have support. How can I have respect and how can I have my voice heard? Those are just as important as having love so I tell myself go find it. I do have grit. I do have strength because I'm willing to put in the effort it takes of clearing my mind from these thoughts and I encourage anyone struggling with similar thoughts to go do the same. Johann Hari gave an incredible Ted Talk titled This Could Be Why You're Depressed Or Anxious. One of my favorite quotes from his talk was,
"You're not a machine with broken parts, you're a human with unmet needs."
He's absolutely right. When we feel our needs not being met and our body is crying out to us for solutions let us listen and react in ways of meeting our needs. I'm not embarrassed to say that I struggle with depression. I'm looking forward to figuring out my thoughts with a professional soon. I know it will bring up really difficult and sad emotions but like a muscle being torn during exercise I will grow back even stronger than before. I embrace this. I challenge myself with this. I need this. We all need this because we're all human. When we feel that creepiness crawling into bed with us and crawling into our thoughts - let us not be afraid; Let us be awake. And when we awake, let us remember that we are never alone.